Tuesday, August 19, 2008
you receive ten fold what you deliver. you are your own worst enemy. especially if your enemy is a startling resemblance of you in the mirror. especially when you fight a losing battle and you lash out in defense and all you hit is glass. and as it shatters around you in fragments of defeat, the shards hit you and you feel the pain. but the pain isnt meant for you. because the fight wasnt supposed to happen. because you meant to take back the words that caused the hurt.

you are your own worst enemy, especially if that startling resemblance in the mirror is your mother.

because we were made to disagree and argue and conflict. because we were made in ways where we suffer through our own tribulations and we crawl and find our own comfort holes. our comfort holes are not each other. sometimes something causes a deep chasm to form, so deep, it takes too much effort to climb out of and we give up halfway, seeking reasons, excuses, lies as exposed roots of an overturned tree and blame them but ourselves.

we were made that way. and it kills us. most times we make up. and other times, it gnaws at me from inside, faulting myself for reasons unknown to me. i want to take back the words and i want her to escape her hurt and stop using me as an excuse to lash out.

because i am human and i have feelings and i have gone through hurt too. as i learn to fight back on my own two feet, i give and endlessly give to the people around me. i care for my family and i show. a long tiring day of work and i come home and i ask if they've studied, if they've eaten, what they did in school and buy them little snacks to motivate them.

i am but a shadow that live amongst them. i would love to have someone ask me how my day was. if i have eaten, if work was ok, if i was tired, if people bullied me.

one mistake. one mistake of a wrong choice and everyone turns their back against me.

its stifling. its like being in a perpetual game where one wrong word strikes of one life point. i have my personal count. and its slowly decreasing. its a daily battle, and every night i thank God i survived. survived the day enough to not worsen things. i try, during every waking minute to better things. i try them out. fail, try again. try again.

and try again.

a mistake of chance. i was given a choice where there can be no wrong answer.

i want to live a life where the decision i make is mine and mine alone and it can hurt nor disappoint anyone. i am tired and worn out from trying to mold myself into different characters in this tragic comedy, where i am no one yet everyone at the same time.

there is us. we exist. i will and have given up everything to make her happy. she is me and my everything. we cannot be without the other. separated and there is no air, no air, no air to breathe, to embrace, to cling on to life. things have changed, are changing. everyday it is a challenge, but still i wake and fight. fight with her by my side, in my mind, in me.

she feels it now. i dont know what it is she feels. but i feel her feeling it. this elusive, strange thing that has many names. i sense her dancing with it, a shy dance of newness, strangeness and feel her smile in my hair, the soft voice leaving sweet trails on my skin. delicious, but so elusive.

for you a thousand times over. dorset darum, mon cherie.

riahh ranted at 10:25:00 PM