Tuesday, February 27, 2007
nelly furtado is right. her words echo in my mind all the time. why do all good things come to an end? or maybe they dont. maybe you can make the difference. maybe you can take charge of your own life and decide if you want to be happy or if you're gonna let yourself be ruled by some other person.

i thought today was a pretty good day. she didnt come to school because she was sick. it was pretty bearable without her in school. somehow it feels more.. un-claustrophobic. it gives me a little breathing space and let me be happy for once. i laughed till my stomach hurt today. isk was being his usual stupid self and it was funny. but when i thought back, my smile didnt reach my eyes. it felt mechanical. its like a switch. cold, dead, and unused most times.

i did pretty ok for paper two (: and that cheered me up. i liked school today. it wasnt so pressurizing. i didnt have to face her classmates today. that felt nice. i was really looking forward to meeting her after school. the thought really cheered me up. and then i called and i went heyyyyy! ((: and then she told me that we werent meeting cause she wasnt feeling ok. and i felt so betrayed and so angry and i know im being unreasonable and stupid but i cant help it cause she promised.

i hate people who fucking break promises. and thats all i ever face with her. broken promises and shards of hope.

hope. its such a fucking dangerous thing to have. it breaks you. it lifts you up and then it fucking breaks you. we shouldnt hope. its stupid. it gives you a double heartache. its not worth it.

live life day to day? easier said than done.

i cant stand people who are sick. ok maybe thats mean. lets put it another way. i hate people who succumb to their sickness. or maybe not everyone's like me. maybe i cant empathise cause my antibodies is so fucking strong and ive never fallen sick my whole life and thats why i cant comprehend the trauma they're fucking going through.

i hate weak people. i hate people who dont get it the first time.

i talked to a counseller yesterday. she felt my scars and it felt oddly comforting. the touch of another person felt good and i havent felt that good in a long time. i felt.. cared for. loved is too strong a word to use. i felt that someone genuinely and honestly wanted to care for me. she doesnt make me feel that way anymore. she leaves behind a trail of ambiguity; she leaves me hanging and sometimes the love and warmth i thought i'd feel has been replaced by a void.

she said she'd care for me. and i believed that she would each time she says that. and then she'd be nice over the phone or she'd hug me and then give me a kiss or two and i'd feel loved and cared for. but then it dies away. i think i expect too much. expectations kill as much as hope. i expect her to do the same for me as i do for her. i dont think im doing a lot. but i do make sacrifices. i willingly make these sacrifices. no strings attached.

but she doesnt. and it kills me. because i wait and i hope and i expect and my bubbles burst and the castles fall and i dont get what i want. its like a time bomb waiting to explode. its indefinite. it'll only take time. but maybe i can learn to cut it off. learn to cut myself off and learn how to make it stop. and stop it from destroying me.

my mind works too fast and it frustrates me. im too sensitive. i keep thinking of what ifs and things that arent really there. i hate living up to expectations but i keep getting bothered by what people think.

why cant anyone just shower me with love and care just like how i shower on others? why cant she see and understand my wants and needs for once? why cant she learn to be sensitive to me? why cant things go back to when i was little, when my mum was so different then?

she made me promise not to cut again after seeing how close to the vein i was getting. but i think its exciting. i wonder whether veins can be repaired.

riahh ranted at 10:31:00 PM