Sunday, February 18, 2007
its like looking at a past diary. a diary filled with things you wanted to remember and yet forget at the same time. today i logged on to msn and looked in on my blog for the first in months. and i had this awful sensation in my tummy. its the feeling of dread and nervousness. its not nice at all. i hate looking back on the past that brought me so much joy because its painful. im a coward and its not nice admitting that at all.

i hate looking back on the things which i used to enjoy. because these are the things which i have left behind and are never coming back for. its a scary thing. i think the past is scary. i think ive forgotten how to be happy.

my life is a mess. its a mixed blur of tears and frustration. and im not proud about that.

i read my last two entries before this and i smiled. i smiled because i recalled that i used to be able to write well. i dont know if i can still write well. maybe its stagnant, now. i suddenly feel like reading nancy drew and hardy boys. books from my childhood. they were such good books. i just feel like reading now. ive not read things in a long time.

im trying to get back my life on routine. and i want to shop for myself. im saving up money too cause me and pink are going to europe next jan before he leaves for NS. i love pink. and i love isk. and i love all the people around me who have cared for me.

i cried for mariam when she left. i cried because she understood me and she trusted in me and her belief in me did not falter because she knows me. she took the time to know me and she told me that its unfair for people to misunderstand me just because they dont know me.

i should start blogging again because maybe i'd feel better. but words fixate themselves in my mind and when i start the mechanical act of typing it out, they automatically disappear. disintegrate into nothingness. and suddenly its so hard to make the words come out again. the white screen gape at me, mocking me, taunting me. its like it knows i cant write anymore.

she brings me so much pain. sometimes i tell her i hate her. but always i cant fully bring myself to embrace that idea. but i know that its my fault and that she isnt to blame. a victim of circumstance, the both of us. we just did things and suddenly we realise its too much and we shouldnt and then things get complicated. its easier for her to be herself. i aim to please. to make things change. to make her change her mind.

that fucking class of hers is so two headed its unbelievable. so you know? big deal. go boil your heads. you spend your whole life sneaking into people's affairs and pretending to be nice.. doesnt it tire you at all, losers? you'd make an awesome bunch of retirees. go set up a club when you're like 30 alright? at least it'd give you sth to do when you get rejected by society at some point in life.

fucking common tests.

she's so much a part of my life that it feels weird without her. she's in KL now. and i kinda miss her. but she's coming back soon and i cant wait to take her out. when she cried last night i felt so pained - all i wanted to do was to fly down and hug her and tell her its gonna be ok. she means so much to me. she's the one who makes me happy, and also the one who takes away everything and leave my life in a dark empty mess.

shiva, shiva, shivashankari. what do i do with you?

riahh ranted at 1:25:00 PM