Monday, January 08, 2007
needless to say, its been ages since i last wrote something. maybe thats the reason why im feeling so changed now. i feel the transition. but all i do is sit by and watch myself head straight for the dumps. i know what im doing but i cant seem to muster the will to curb myself and tell it stop.

tell this growing.. thing.. inside of me to stop and let me live my life the way i want it to be.

maybe when they say that its not very healthy to keep things to yourself, its really true. maybe they ran tests and did surveys and the whole works and realised that their hypothesis has a basis. maybe i should start talking to people more and stop deluding myself that im strong.

but.. maybe im strong. what if i am strong? i get upset all the time now. my sensitivity is at an all time high. and we'd get upset. and i'd walk off or hang up and feel the salty tangy tears and i hear myself groan - oh no. not again. and then i'd wander in my imagination. and i see myself in stories where i always end up the victim. just so i could give myself an excuse to cry. because i dont cry. i never do.

or i'd walk away in a huff. and be by myself for a while. or maybe a little longer. and i'd run through.. stuff.. in my head. and i'd go over unspoken conversations. over and over. sometimes the same ones. sometimes i come up with new ones. over and over. until i get tired and then i'd go - ok. im ready now.

if i can identify my problems and realise the solutions to it. doesnt it mean im strong? or am i still deluding myself? after all, arent humans fallible? subject to emotions that constitute pain, love and anger? which being can just turn their back and walk away and be indifferent? no one can be absolutely indifferent.

because love will always find its way to wiggle through that supposedly tough exterior, wiggle your heart, tickle your chin, and make you smile. love always makes you smile. it always does ((:

my love comes in the form of a certain gorgeous goddess. a smooth expanse of bronze skin and the biggest bambi eyes set upon the smallest of faces.

how does your love look like?

riahh ranted at 10:37:00 PM