Monday, January 08, 2007
its been a week into the new year (: happy o7!.. or not. things havent really gone off to a good start this year. but im working on it. after all i gotta learn to prioritise and all. new jobs. new school. new places to go. new people to meet. but.. i cannot be bothered to engage in small talks or such.

i think its just me. im just not a very sociable person. i dont knw when i stopped talking to people altogether. i just dont have that habit anymore. i feel envy whenever i see people calling each other up just to ask how the day was and whether she's ok and all. its not that hard to type in an sms and say - hey! how're you doing? (: or pick up the damn phone, dial a number and say - hi. i missed you today.

why do i sit by the sidelines and watch the world go by? why cant i be part of that world and have more people in my life? im not lazy. i just dont have that habit. so the issue here is that.. does my being different set me apart from all these people i know? do people find me standoff-ish just because i dont hang on the phone for hours?

my mouth feels like a chainsaw that needs a lot of oiling. maybe its because i havent talked much in so long. i spoke to a friend today. and i was getting excited abt the topic we were discussing about and i had ideas i wanted to tell him. but the ideas jumbled midway and the words tumbled out garbled and indecipherable. he cut me off by saying something else to someone. i wont deny that that didnt hurt.

the world's a farce. or maybe its just humans. maybe we're just living, moving robots. i say this because we all have the same mentality, prejudices, beliefs, perceptions, expectations at the end of the day. the ones that are human are the ones who really stand out and dare to be different.

i read slyvia plath's the bell jar and i came across a character who was a famous poet. he was fine dining at a world class restaurant. but he breezed in wearing a shirt too long and too big, untucked and his hair was unruly and unkempt. he ate a salad with his fingers and made it look as if it was the right-est thing to be doing. and guess what? no one stared or made a big deal out of it.

philosophers are a bunch of old farts who sit around and ask questions like - why are we here? such a waste of time and money to study such.. debatable subjects. but deep down, we all have a philosopher in each of us. when things go wrong, we start to question the inevitable - why me?

i am insecure. what for, i dont know. i dont understand why im always comparing myself to her and wasting precious seconds of my life on unnecessary speculations. maybe in a way, its a form of release from the burden that ive been carrying. to hear the words spoken out loud, and to revel in the way it rings in the silence that follows. to hear such negativity and be happy about it.

man, i sure need some help.

people change. how many times have i said this? i dont know. but people wont stop changing. nothing's gonna stop changing. things evolve. we revolve around the past, revel in our present and tiptoe into our future. we move and we move and we move. what does the future hold? i dont know.

so why are people flocking into borders and demanding for every single feng shui book and lilian too's horoscope predictions? dont believe in God then, if you prefer to have a detailed day-by-day analysis of whats going to happen and the numerous steps you should take to prevent it. this of course includes your daily lucky color and number, places and food to avoid and other such nonsense.

why live if you know whats going to happen tmr? where's the fun in life if you let your life be ruled by one tiny miserable book? (lilian too's book is really pocket-sized) life's not a roller coaster then. its just a straight road to hell.

i dont think there's paradise. i dont think there's heaven. i dont think there's any person on earth who's so pure in heart, body, and soul. we all end up in hell. every single one of us. for the little petty things which we thought wouldnt count. but we dont realise that for every tiny petty act we carry out, someone else is hurting. and an emotion is worth more than anything else.

that was just the philosopher in me talking.

on a lighter note, ms alicia ng is so hot :P

riahh ranted at 10:51:00 PM