Monday, November 27, 2006
things hasnt been going great with my mum this year. not in the least. today i talked to someone about how i felt. it wasnt the first time but somehow it felt as though a dam was released and i was telling everything i dont usually say.

i hated it when she started working long hours at her new job. she wasnt really around anymore and there was always no food to eat when i got back. i had no one to chat with at home and she doesnt listen when i talk. it escalated into something major because both of us were too stubborn to stop and listen to the other.

tonight i told my friend how my mum used to wait at the gate and wave and say bye and tell me to take care whenever im going out. she wouldnt go until i was really safe and gone. she'd do this even in the wee hours of the morning. she'd kissed me sometimes and that made me embarrassed but happy but of course i'd never admit it to her.

she used to feed me. just. even when im all grown up and such. we didnt have much back then. a simple meal of rice and soup and some dishes tasted like the finest cuisine prepared by the best chefs of the world. anything she fed me tasted like heaven.

she'd promise to go for my debates quarter-finals. it was a major julia gabriels affair and i had prepared incessantly for it. but she called in the evening to say she couldnt make it. i was upset. she sensed it and she told me - do your best, ok? no matter what, always remember that i love you. i felt like a winner even before my debate started.

i remembered how alone i felt on the first day of orientation last year. i was feeling left out and i didnt talk to anyone. i called my mum during break and she was so excited and worried for me. she asked about my day and about buying books and whether i was sitting with my new friends. i told her i was sitting all alone and that i had no one to talk to and she told me - cheer up ok? remember i love you, ok? and after that, nothing else mattered.

i threw tantrums earlier in the year when she first started working late at her new job. one day, before she went to work she came up to me and kissed me and told me not to be angry with her anymore. and she told me - you know i love you, right?

these moments mean so much to me. i muse about them all the time especially when im on long bus rides. even as much as i get upset and angry at her, i cant deny these instances. instances when she proved to me that her love was immeasurable and unconditional.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

where did i go wrong, mum? have i lost you?

riahh ranted at 11:27:00 PM