Saturday, October 14, 2006
my blog used to be the one thing that cheered me up. the one person who'd know how my day had been and someone who could connect emotionally with me. my blog has a detached relationship with me and i love that. i could pour anything i want. and even if i lied. he knows. but he doesnt say anything. i know he respects me for that. he knows when i lie just because i want people to like what they read.

im sick and tired of trying to write like a professional because lets face it : im not. and i dont think i'll ever be. i love to write. i do. nothing makes me happier to see words form on the screen or on plain lined paper. but recently i feel too caught up in my own goddamned emotions to write. i mind-blog every single day and i feel sad that i wont be able to remember what i wrote about.

im such a poser its embarrassing. im not emo. but i pretend to be emo. i try to write like panic! at the disco and come off looking like a loser with a huge letter L. i read words from the real emo-fucks and i try to be like them but i cant. i pretend to be a lesbian and for a while it went ok. but suddenly things started to spiral out of control and before i knew it. im trapped in my own web of lies and i cant move for fear of falling into a deep dark abyss. in time i even felt myself being part of my lies. moving and breathing and giving it life. now im afraid. im afraid because ive let myself fall against the defenses that ive worked so hard to create.

i know where i stand and i know what i want. but sometimes whispers and influence infiltrate through my flimsy mind and they distract me while im off guard. i know. i know. i know what i fucking want. and i dont want to succumb to these emotions that are all so wrong. so fucking wrong. i wished i could get away like how i used to be able to. i want to be the one controlling us. i want to be the master and she the puppet. but she's turned around now and she's become me and she holds the strings while i manouvre across the table like a limp ragdoll. pathetic. i feel nothing but contempt for myself.

i say that i love detached relationships. and i do. i dont want to hurt myself. so i build myself a strong shield that would discourage people from coming any closer. over time i have become an ice queen. i dont laugh; i dont cry; and i dont share the happy things that people want to share with me. there's nothing important now except for studies. its the one thing that i have full control over and the one thing that no one can take away from me. but i soon realised that i am a sad fuck. im not a happy loser. how can i be a happy loser if everyday i wake up and realise that there are no calls or msges? how can i be happy if all i do is mope and run things over in my head?

my weekends feel the pressure. my weekdays are empty and void of emotions. its the buildup of thoughts that are pushed to the back of my head during the weekdays that makes me angry on weekend. its like a slow play-by-play and my emotions are all wrong and so late. im behind where others have moved forward. they laugh and i laugh a second too late. its wrong. its all wrong. i just want to be left alone. im not lonely. but i cant help but feel envy sometimes.

i let myself fall. and i read things i shouldnt be reading. and i have no one to blame but myself. i cannot feel happy at other people's happiness. why should i? why should i pretend to be happy? being a poser is such hard work. deep down. i've lost myself. it'd take a long time to go back to the way i was. vulnerable and susceptible and fallible. just like everybody else. but my heart has become so cold and iced it'd take so much for me to be able to feel warmth again.

it has only been a year. and in that one year i've changed so much. i love my anamalais like ive never loved them before. because throughout it all they're the ones who have really been there for me. millennia has opened my eyes to new things and only a fellow millennian would be able to relate and make me feel all better. i feel proud that hilmieee has gotten the highest for human geog and liyi is just liyi. i love her. i do i do i do. and is has played the part of such a wonderful friend this year. i can never thank him enough.

its been ten days since i last blogged. but ten days seem like forever. especially if you work so hard everyday to run away from problems that plague you.

i dont know what im so emo about now. my blog has that effect on me. i rant and i rant and i rant and after a while i forgot what i was so emo about ((: this is my sanctuary. this is my Aladdin's cove of sweet secrets.

till then.

riahh ranted at 3:28:00 PM