Thursday, September 07, 2006
i have this sudden need to go undercover again. i feel too exposed. i feel undermined by my own ability to be able to write what i want. i hate being discreet. discretion makes me think. and i hate thinking. or maybe its just that.. im feeling tired of having people know too much about me. me me me. and whats really in me. and having them fuck my lives up after that.

it happened with my angel. and i couldnt stop it from happening. it spiralled out of control and there was nothing that i could fucking do to stop it. so it was my fault. i let them in and i couldnt keep my eager tongue and my thoughts to myself.

seclusion is good. there is nothing sad in being solitary. you are only solitary as far as you make yourself to be. you could be surrounded by millions of friends but you know deep down that you are a sad fuck. being solitary means having full control of your life. you can ask abt anything freely and you wont be able to hear the wheels turning into fast gear in people's minds.

people will wonder. they will gossip. and they will speculate. come up with fantastically redundant and stupid reasons to make up for uncertainty. but i seek comfort and solace in the fact that they dont know.

im losing control again. losing my grip. they come here like beacons. nosing thru my words like a man on a mission. they sift they analyse and they discuss. they are such sad fucks. i have stopped going to blogs because i dont see the need to know so much.

what you dont know wont hurt you remember?

with that. seclusion and privacy. but for how long? i dont know. too many people. too many facts. too many ideas.

till then ((:

riahh ranted at 5:34:00 PM