Sunday, February 12, 2006
it has been many days since my last update and many things have happened. where do i start? so many learning points that have aroused me from my nearly non-existent social life. so here i am now. faced with a fresh blank screen. waiting for words to flow and fingers to type and for a story to form.

JUDY
i never knew that i could impact someone's life so much. i came back to school after the chinese new year break and i suddenly felt disgusted and irritated with judy. and i have no idea why. dont you people get those days too? everything about her irked me that morning. her appearance. her random questions. her not doing her homework again and acting like its no big deal. and basically everything else.

it stretched till monday. and she got pissed with me. because i refused to talk to her. she says i have an attitude problem and that i should go back and reflect on my actions. the thing is. she wants to do things that her parents doesnt want her to. things like taking care of a pet. how can any humane person keep a pet in a cage its whole life? i'd rather she sell it away then pretend to have a pet at home.

she gave me a note :

You should know who I am. Can you tell me why aren't you talking to me? I feel like I did nothing wrong. Also, I think you have treated me very unfairly. I feel terrible. I feel wronged. You can't blame my character coz I'm like that. I'm me. Either friends or not. I can't stand this. I'm going crazy. I need a definite answer. Also, seriously, I think you should go back think about your character. It's not bad, but you just don't treat ppl very well. You categorise your friends. This is the 1st time I confessed 2 any of my friends in my whole life. You affect me greatly. I'm tired of this.

dramatic much? and all because i refused to talk to her. there are times when I JUST DONT FEEL LIKE TALKING. why cant people get this? just because im spilling over with enthusiasm and im chatty and bubbly half the time doesnt mean i dont appreciate quiet moments too. what could i do then? i msged her and said i was sorry and that i didnt mean to hurt her but its my character to NOT talk to people when i feel like it and that she cant blame me too.

and she spammed me.

- but its lyk u only treat me lykdat.i feel lyk im transparent.i feel lyk anOther nigel and i dun lyk tat

and i asked her if she'd rather i say sth really nasty and spark off a fight or just keep it down and not mention anything and let it all blow over.

- i would rather u dun tel me.But tats nt wad u r doin.U r openly ignoring me.Real frenx dun find fault at deir frenx character but tats nt wad u r doin. I nv felt disgusted at u. I stood by u wen ppl said bad tings abt u. I dun even hate u now.Nt even a little.I juz said u should reflect cos ur frenx r unhappy. Ur character n ur attitude is 2 diff tings.N ppl said im being too giving 2wards u.I hav nv betrayed u b4.Tat tym i stood up for liling,u stopped toking to me.Tk tat 4 eg.I can choose my frenx,but tat doesnt mean i lyk or care abt u less.Gt wad i mean?if u dun lyk my character,fine.

- btw e tings tat i tel,r all tru.I nOe u tink im lying.But my family n ur family is diff. U hav a nice lovin family while both my parents drink n den whack me n my siblings up. my 'stories' r tru,i lyk to share 'stories' wif my frenx bcOz i wan acceptance n i find tings interestin so i tel u.oso,my frenx r my family cOx i hav nO rite family at hme.reali.u dunnO much abt me.all i nd is love n acceptance.which i dun gt even frm my bf.n dun wOri i'll stop mentiOnin my bf.last tym u oso mention rifat nOnstop

weeehoo. so i left it at that. it was a small issue of me not talking to her and me hurting her feelings. so i apologised and told her that people have bad days and i'd rather shut up than create more trouble. and then she started bringing up things that has totally no relation to this whole issue. if the people who said that she was too giving to me is liling. well she doesnt exactly constitute people does she? rolls eyes much.

whatever. bringing it up again has made me irritated again. i wish she'd be more emotionally independent. be more like me. like if people didnt talk to me i wouldnt feel so bad. i can read or do hw and stuff. so you feel self-conscious. big deal. just dont show it to people. act confident. BE CONFIDENT.

oh btw. i learnt that from refat. that if you want to be happy. you have to depend on yourself :D

it affected me FOR DAYS AFTERS. like how can she be so affected by me?! im not guilty. im affected by the fact that she's affected. i dont want to be so CLOSE to people lahhs. i need space and freedom. i mean i've been out with her once or twice. talked a bit. but that doesnt mean we're BEST FRIENDS or anything. goshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ):

CULTURAL EXPOSURE
met up with sue and pink on tuesday for my first ever VIOLIN RECITAL (: some good much. i think it was excellent. pretty much sold out. im no violinist but i could tell the standard of technique required for the 24 Caprices. awed me to no end. a bit draggy and people got a bit restless some. after 3 movements the violinist would swop places. hahahaha. hilarious to hear people in the front row mumbling - wah lao eh! cultured much. cam-whored a little. i shall be more exposed to different genres of music. music should not just be contained within the band circle (:

a little too late but nevertheless i wana say...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHERYL WAFFLE AND XIAOZHU! (:

BIRTHDAYS
i spent waffle's bday [3 feb] with her at pj's openhouse. i promised id go and i did :D she sure was happy to see me. she dragged me off to her chinese competition. hahahaha. so funny lahh. i could get some of the stuff that they were acting out. its a news report kind of comp. you have to include local entertainment and international news. some were good. i think im more chinese cultured already :D i rawkk! (: yayy! and then i went chomp chomp chomp on some free food. HEHS. typical. made me feel guilty like hell afters. sweet waffle was so worried that im gonna turn anorexic and made me promise her that i'd eat! awwww (:

we talked A LOT abt refat and joe. she voiced her opinions. i did mine. we came to the same conclusion. but she isnt as bad as me lahh :D i have stronger and more violent opinions. i havent given her her present. i havent had time that week to make them. anyway im super proud of her for getting SEVEN DISTINCTIONS in the o levels :D you go waffle! im sure you beat dahhling joe (: i told you the reason why. and you dont have to be modest.

she msged me to say - you're so nice.. that's why i love you!

im so happy and touched to know that all the efforts me and the unity darlings have put in for xiaozhu's bday [10 feb] is very very much appreciated (: they called me and msged me in the middle of band and everything to make sure everything ran smoothly. i was really upset that i couldnt make it for their dinner break. hahaha. i arrived at 7 and waited till nine plus for their release :D hide hide there and twin saw me and came up screaming and hugged me :D hahaha. that lovely little thing.

so they called and whisper whisper. scared that xiaozhu will find out and stuffs. hehe. heard their voices. i sprang out from behind the pillar with the lovely cake i ordered and started singing HAPPY BIRTHDAY. but the thing is. it was such a HUGE group and i didnt knw where she was. hahahaha. so i sang it to the wrong person. i think it was hamster. LOLS. so there she was. shocked like anything. and she looked like she wanted to cry and stuffs. took pics. ate cake. shared hugs with SITI! :D missed her also. hahaha. such a happy and wonderful night. talked some with mitch on the way back. heeeeeee. love them to bits mann.

i love birthdays. and i hope they enjoyed theirs! :D

CHINESE NEW YEAR
this is the year that i start to BAI NIAN with my friends :D went to mr lee and joshua's house last sat. super enjoyable. i am the light of any party. no im serious. because i hate awkward situations and because i really really really REALLY like mr lee for being adorable and cute and nice tempered i talked a lot. i turned on the CUTE FACTOR :D and there i go blabbering on and on about anything that comes to mind. talked a lot and ate a lot. funny tho that they serve nothing but new year goodies and drinks (: joshua has lots of candies to eat.

NO WONDER THEY ALL CAME BACK WITH SORE THROATS LAHH. their food were all screaming - EAT ME AND GET DIABETES! - and they served coke and sweet drinks. hahaha. and sugared nuts. and chocolates. and candies. and love letters. and that i-dont-know-what-its-called-but-its-good at joshua's.

mr chan's on sunday. his house is nice. his wife rawkks. and his kids are so cute. mr chan is a lovely and affectionate family man :D we talkedddddd much. and we wouldnt stop eating the nuts. hahaha. and the coke refills. OH MAN. i gained one kg from just one weekend. eating nth but nuts ): and then i went bai nian-ing to xiaozhu's and miyo's house. xiaozhu's house is so nice. her mum is so friendly. she gave me HEALTHY PASTA to eat. hahahaha. her sisters are like second- and third- degree friends of sorts. friends of alan's and hilmieee's. nuff said.

i never knew that when you give away oranges. you get two back! :D super. what an interesting tradition!

oh and while waiting for mai and farah at yio chu kang mrt before we head down to mr chan's. this malay dude approached me. i was dawdling around looking for the locality map and trying to look cool without my glasses when this guy hesitated and then approached me and asked me to fill up some survey AT 10 am IN THE MORNING. so i did. some questions abt what course im doing now and whats my expected salary and stuffs. i handed him back the pen and paper but he only took the paper. he glanced at it and started chatting and stuff when he realised that im malay.

haha. he said he'd call. but i guess he got the idea that i wasnt interested :D i walked off each time he tried to strike up a conversation. oh wells.

I SHALL REMAIN A NUN FOREVER! :D

TEACHING
teaching is so much a part of my life now. tuitions are getting better. i try to connect with them on their levels and crack as much jokes and still teach so they'd feel more at ease. they're really hardworking kids and IM SURE I WILL MAKE THEIR GRADES JUMP. even if its a little. IT WILL STILL JUMP.

nothing beats more than a good praise at the end of a teaching day at loyang primary concert band (: it makes me feel good. needed. and that im significant. teaching a bunch of thirds that are naughty. noisy. and slow to pick up is very trying especially when you have to worry abt the first and seconds getting bored. so i devised this little mini competition. each time they cant remember their parts i'll add one stroke under them. the first and seconds are together and the thirds are together :D the lesser strokes they have they'd get a prize from me. misbehaviour is also accountable.

im sure they'd always remember how i always nag at them to PLAY WITH FEELINGS. - yes miss riahhhhhhhhhhhh. lols. they're adorable.

robert is so thankful that im always rushing down to help put on wednesdays. and he's surprised that i always say - see you next week. he's happy abt my enthusiasm and proudly told me - see you in the band scene two years from now! YES I WILL MAKE MY MARK ONE DAY :D i love teaching music to no end.

one learning point last practice. i was getting a tad impatient with one of the thirds for not being able to read notes even after he claims that he can. and that little imp han keeps on making impatient and rude comments to the poor kid who's older than him. i told han off. yes i did. for being rude. after they packed up. he came up to me and asked how he can improve himself. immediately i was stirred. he wanted to learn but he didnt know what was wrong. he can read notes but he's confused by the ledger lines and the dynamics. he really wanted to prove to me that he can do it.

i felt guilty afters.

FAMILY
im currently still not talking to my sis. YUPPS. so i dont even know how she fared for her o's. not too well i heard. from aloy. hrmms. oh wells. much calls to moe and friends and aunt and everyone else. so i guess she's having some probs. BOO. i failed math again. HAHA. ahh wells.

FRIENDS
i hope is is doing ok. im glad he liked the fishballs i bought him to cheer him up (: a little of an inside joke. hahahah :D

his msg - thanks for the fish balls riah. you've been really great to me. thanks for everything (:

awwwwwwwwwwww. been talking pretty much to mel too. hahaha. she's hilarious :D she's been teasing me about being jean danker sound-alike. so everyone's been speaking to me to see if i really sound like her. YES I DO! :D hahahaha. not exactly but similar enough. HEAR ME SPEAK! (:

people change. i see new things in people that i dont think i like and not likely to come to terms with. but im not saying anything. in case people think that im being obnoxious again. OH WELLS. there's no freedom of anything anymore.

so here's a lovely msg from hilmieee that had everyone spewing vulgarities of every dialect the minute they were done reading :

Hey, i really cant believe you guys fell for it.. No wonder everyone's so different towards me now. Anyway, e almadil have knocked some senses into me about going to church and all.. I've made the wrong choice of going in the first place.. And im not a christian please.. I just wana clarify that to you.. And your parents. And julie and her parents and everyone else.. Oh my god! I feel damn empty..

NUFF SAID.

dinner at joshua's last night really changed my perspective of some of my new classmates. it was a little dry in the beginning and stuffs but things really warmed up after we were done with dinner. nice dinner JOSH! :D packed a lot of stuff home. most went back and it ended up with me. mr chan. daryl. pink. and joshua. talked some. hahaha. VERY FUN :D they made me eat sashimi. horrible horrible people. BOO. hahahaha. mr chan sent me home. talked some.

UNITY BAND
my darlings are finally having their concert. 8th april 2006 at UCC. repertoire will be terribly fantastic. again im expressing my delight at how much they have come. its been a long LONG way :D great job guys and cont to make more music and awe me speechless.

msged the regularz and told them abt it. i guess im still bitter and sore with him for entirely personal reasons. but its true. he made so many promises for us but never kept them. he promised to take over the alumni and conduct and bla bla bla. and he said we had to have regular attendance to unity if we wanted to play in their concerts. and im ANGRY that he's not keeping them. depriving me of making wonderful music with them.

the regularz brought me back to reality. kel was so enthu when he msged me saying that he'd be glad to help out and when i said that refat's not going to ask us he just said we'd be good audiences then :D queen was a little miffed about refat not keeping his promises but she didnt make a big issue out of it. im still affected abt it cause i still care. why make promises if you dont mean to keep them?

and all the bloody promises he's been telling the unity kids. asshole siaa the guy.

and best of all. a msg from yew haoo! - remember.. you're not part of unity band (: of course it hurt lahh. hahahaha. but its the truth. i do care abt them but im not part of them. oh wells. i do care abt bm band but i will start out there only after im done with the pri school's SYF. HAHA. rubs hands. many changes to be done.

STUDIES
doing well. doing well. up and coming. ive missed many mugging sessions but im coming along fine. mugged with andy today. did econs. pheww. gotta live up to my star student reputation. hahaha :D

I DID PRETTY DECENTLY FOR MY FIRST MALAY COMPO. hahaha. she sat with me and told me that she could see the effort that i put in. i argued saying that i copied all the arguments from the notes. she said she knows. but the linking of ideas was entirely mine. she said it so earnestly and honestly she nearly reduced me to tears. she gave me a silver star. two silver stars make up one big sticker. seven big stickers entitle you to a prize :D yes she has to do that to encourage us. hahahaha (:

she showed my essay to cikgu zaibah and she complained that i never did that kind of work for her last year. oh wells (:

there we go. some of the issues that have been weighing on my mind but never got round to typing them out :D feast your eyes!

riahh ranted at 10:18:00 PM