Thursday, October 13, 2005
yay! EXAMS ARE OVER (: no actually. i dont feel in the least good. i feel empty and lost. its the same with o's too. blah. my heart sank with every consequent paper after ECONS PAPER III. hahahaha. so stupid la. dependent on a subject. die. sure retain.

hilmi : im so gona withdraw la.
me : yay. that makes two of us. friends forever and all that remember?

monday. mother tongue paper. blahh. feeling pretty ok la. lol. did it too fast i think. my idioms rawk la. CONFIRM 20 marks already (: yay! but i think im deviating from my topic for essay. blahh.

tuesday. history paper. YAY! lets all get kicked out tonight a la lets all get drunk tonight by afroman. BLAHH. sure mati la. you know what is crap? yupps. thats what i wrote for history. HAHA. no contextual knowledge or whatever. the only one i remembered writing was david marshall being a communist. yes please laugh. sighhs. and this is what i did for SBQ -

david marshall is bla bla bla bla bla bla bla. the source mentions that yada yada yada yada. this claim clearly support the fact that __________________________________________. therefore source A supports the hypothesis and is reliable.

SMART RIGHT? (: i know. no need clap.

wednesday. literature. sure mati. paper one was the only one i managed to do. yupsie. some rubbish abt sexual desires. the hour for paper two was draggy. the hour for paper eight WAS A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME LA. blahh. yay.

three hour paper sucks. cries.

and today (: ECONS I and II. dont want to say already la. thank god for essay and MCQ. bye bye to DRQ. i think i got nearly all wrong (: i just need an A pass. yeahs. thats all. yupps. thank you.

anywayyy. yeah the thing with me and liyi. AIYA. dont know la. dont wish to think abt anything now. time heals all wounds. havent i learnt that from ages already? that day at kino. HMMMS. i mental blogged (: here's what i thought.

that deadened look.
cold and staring.
always watching.
always waiting.
anticipating your every move.
anticipating your every word.

blahh. a whole load of holly shmolly. so POETIC right? my first attempt. HAHA. ok you can laugh now.

hmms. where are all my unity darlings? totally missing them right now (: all busy with exams and all. blahhh. really hope to meet up with them real real soon. kisses to them all! (:

philyouth audit this sunday. im sorry but.. i dont think im going. i should start being honest with myself and to all those people who think that i can play well. yes i used to be able to play well. but months of not touching my instrument has made me lag and im sure the sec one tbonists are all much better than me.

im so so proud of all the unity tbonists - yunwei mitchell rahman and szejie. your passion for music really bowls me over. same goes to jon siti and denisec. HAHA. the people that i know well anyway :P totally not being biased okays. haha. ANYWAY. the difference btw you and me is that ur in a band where the passion is still growing but for me the passion and the excitement has come to a standstill.

refat brought me and all my batch mates joy. he taught us to listen to and to appreciate music. he made music our priority. he gave us the drive. he gave us the passion. but times have changed. and not all of us are in the same band. playing together under the same conductor.

its true. music still lives in our heart. and from now till we ermm PASS ON. music will always be a part of us. but we can never be as driven as we were the last time. we lived only for refat. when he left. the flame died.

i realise that i cant put it off any longer. the more i leave in denial the more disappointments i leave in my wake. including myself. i have to wake up and realise that yes even tho i was once a good player i wasnt anything special. anyone can have good tone and good technique but if you dont have a flair for it. you dont.

and i dont. my flair is in linguistics and thats what i want to pursue. im sorry if i left anyone of you feeling disappointed. i left myself feeling disappointed too. i wanted to be good in music. but its for the entirely wrong reasons. remember ok? music is still a part of me. but i can never be as driven as i once was.

and i love you guys all the same (: nth would make me happier than to see you guys doing well in band and leave each practice feeling satisfied. you should never look up to me. i can never play as well as i used to. but that doesnt mean im lagging behind in all the THEORY. and i still know stuffs abt the instrument. hahaha. so be good (: and i'll teach you a thing or two.

phew. its all off my chest now. please dont be disappointed in me. this is what i really feel. love love (:

riahh ranted at 11:04:00 PM