Wednesday, August 24, 2005
can we all just fuck off and die please? or maybe i could empty out my savings and get a one way ticket to timbaktu or whatever godforsaken place left on earth that isnt on the world map.

oh wow! expletives. adore them so.

mr chan : *aghast* hawa! *sputters* watch your language! so unladylike. must learn to be more refined.

OH PLEASE.

i dont even know how to put down in words all the thoughts that are swirling around in my head. i can never find it in myself to balance my life out. so much for trying to help others. *snorts

ive ruined so many friendships along the way. when i try to make the world a better place to live in by trying to salvage the dying embers of a soon-to-be extinct friendship another one collapses before my eyes. and a ruined relationship can never be the same again. not when its only human nature to bear grudges.

i can forgive but i cant forget

how true please. the remnants of all the hurt and hate and whatnots will always form a barrier. stopping you when you feel that you've gone past the boundary of trust.

acceptance. after so long of not talking. julie was crying. whether out of relief. or joy. or sadness. or grief. i dont knw. hugs are meaningful. they say so many things. we shared many hugs. and i went home with her. talked a lot in the train. vague in a way yet.. there wasnt a need to know so much. i dont think things will ever go back to the way they were. but as such. im just thankful to have her back with me.

things are ok with judy. i think i went a little bit too far with that one.

and now things with liyi. yeah i know. all of you said its too harsh. maybe it is. talking to too many people who seem to have different perspective to this whole issue is driving me nuts. they said i shouldnt have done all those. maybe should have talked to her. asked her whats wrong.

they said i have to be tactful.

yeah i think i should be. i am steadfast in my belief that i should never hide something behind someone's back. and so i tell them when im upset or when i dont like something. there are times when i just keep quiet. but thats not keeping it in. thats SHOWING ATTITUDE. siettie suggested i take a break from blogging. and tts not sth i want to do.

my blog. my sanctuary. its where i write what i really feel. why should i mince my words? this is something i probably want to remember years down the road. but thats beside the point.

i should be nicer. if i want to talk abt something sensitive. i should learn to do away with words that may just aggraviate the situation. i still call a pick and pick but find a nicer way to do it. i will write everything im upset or happpy about. public domain or not. these stuffs are something i want to write about.

what the hell am i saying?

i think its the emofunk thingie going around. nth went right today. today sucked. one of the lousiest day in history.

yes a rather heated debate with siettie but i know she meant well. and somehow someway. liling squirmed her way into the convo -.- gawdd.

my charming prince. even tho young for his age has given me pretty decent advice despite his utmost confusion abt the whole thing. lovely thing. i saw her online and asked him whether i should talk to her. his reply :

if u have something to tell her then yes. if u want to show u care for her. tok to her. show her u care n want her to improve.

me : how should i start?

juz say hi =). n act as per normal. if possible. be ur cheerful way =). make her feel u bear no grudges. n want to help her. if u really do. how u usually tok to ppl. like. hi liyi =)

and then i posted the same question to yunwei who unbelievably has given me pretty decent advice also. more relate-able. and her reply was :

go talk lorh. if u feel dat tmr u cant talk to her face to face. den u go talk to her nw. hee...like dat u can solve the problem faster.

me : how should i start?

hmmm. i think the first sentence will be. eh. hiee liyi. hee. correct? den u tell her. hmmm. u tell her u are sorrie. sorrie if the words u said to her are too harsh. den tell her how u feel lorh. ask her wat happen.

these kids know me so well. lol.

but i think the one that really stirred me is hilmi. i was on an emo roll large enough to challenge any tsunami and he came to my rescue.

hilmi : yeah so its ok right? you meant well. and i met her just now. she's fine. dont worry. come on we're friends. we're supposed to help each other. anyway your words were probably too harsh for an advice. but what the heck im not trying to say who's at fault. go to school tmr and we'll settle it okay? this kinda thing needs to be said verbally and face to face. come on if we cant handle this puny misunderstanding we might as well not be friends. the thing is we have not heard anything from liyi's side so we need to clarify stuffs tmr okay? the point being - we need t help her. its not because of you riah. we need to find out whats going on with her. she might have problems that we dont knw about.

and i said sth abt having to talk to her or sth.

hilmi : yeah! we need to. well just hope that both of you will go to school tmr. i will try my best to come down earlier. let's just watch our language okay? i just talked to siti too. liyi is the kind who doesnt share her woes. she'd rather keep it to herself. now we have to strategise on how to get her to talk abt it.

i think he rawkks. that he really care abt us. he's the nicest guy around. i swear.

riahh ranted at 8:42:00 PM