Tuesday, August 23, 2005
i should learn to be more sensitive to other's needs. my true colors have shown in all these months. and now what with my immature dislike for my friends because of some equally immature reasons. everything's been turned upside down. i dont think things will stay the same as they used to be. it'll take time. everything takes time.

when i feel that nothing goes my way. i feel like ive been hurt. in turn i lash out at the innocent people around me. sometimes i feel that its better to just shut up and keep it all in but my patience has never been my strongest point. keeping my mouth shut is just so difficult please. i have like a million and one comments on everything that displeases me. and practically everything displeases me.

but maybe just one day. if i learn to be silent and count to ten to clear my head before i spout nonsense things would be better. i should learn never to wear my expressions on my sleeve. its easy to see when im upset or happy or enraged.

i should thank liyi and hilmi for putting up with my mood swings all the time. and its unfair that i make an extra effort to be nicer to them. to watch my words and be on my toes. why cant i do the same for the rest?

is this what friendship really is about? of being tolerant of one another's bad habits. of changing them slowly over time. of being comfortable enough to talk abt intimate stuffs. of being open knowing that they wont laugh at you but with you. but how does it come abt?

me and julie used to be all that. but a simple misunderstanding drifted us apart. and tho i have cooled down. my pride and my SUPER BIG EGO prevented me from talking to her. and now she's all upset because of farhan. and i felt sth when we hugged. i got back that same old familiar closeness we used to have.

i miss her.

i want to talk to her. and tell her im sorry. and make her all better again. our hug was longer than necessary and i felt all the sadness in her gentle sqeeze. she wants to talk to someone. but i guess right now. all she need is to cool down. can i get rid of all this qualms and uneasiness and be a MAN enough to approach her and say sorry?

maybe i'd write her a letter. letters dont work anymore. wei xing used to tell me that it doesnt show sincerity. i need to work up my guts and face it. do or die.

i remembered how she looked like the night we met at lau pa sat. how she clamored to greet me. and how i averted my eyes and purposefully shut her out. now i feel like crap. even after the way i treated her she still goes out of her way to be nice to me. always. she knws me inside out even till now.

i really miss her and all the crazy laughters we used to have.

oh gawdd. now i sound like a crazy emo lesbo.

i think even though the anamalai gang is so happy and stuff. always noisy and racuous and happy-go-lucky. knowing that we have each other to rely on. it has its repercussions. friendships are being.. eh.. violated left right and centre. suriani judy and julie. these people used to be there for us. but now's a different story. the three of us have so much in common. well one only. but the rest falls into place automatically. without one life is just.. different la.

what am i getting at? i dont knw. i hope to repair all broken friendships before the end of year arrives. sighhs.

riahh ranted at 9:10:00 PM