Sunday, May 08, 2005
ive kept him alive in me all these weeks by keeping his msges. relieving the memories. and talking about all the good times we once had to people i barely knew. with a pinch of sugar spice and everything nice people would gush and go 'awww so sweeet!' and id smile and think that i was fortunate for having had such a wonderful guy as him.

his entry on his blog last night made my heart sink deeper. i knew it all along. just that i wasnt sure of it. his nicks online tell me a story far more than what he tells me. ive learnt the art of reading btw the lines. he cant run. and he cant hide. when i asked him abt it. he brushed me off with a simple reply. it stopped my racing heart but it did nothing to omit my fears. last night all i could do was think. and think. and think.

and today. the evidence stared at me right in the face. mocking me. my heart skipped a beat.

the one guy who used to bring me up so high is now bringing me down. to the lowest of lows.

you knw what bloggie? i think its finally time to really let go of him. what we had was simply a fling. a long term fling i guess. i talked to a girl 2 years older who also had rs problems. talking to an older girl who acted like me finally brought me to my senses. i was only 15 when i got on with him. i turned 16 when i was with him. i was 16 when i broke up with him.

i was so young. at an age where i throw tantrums. pick fights at unnecessary things. imagine acting the way i was with an older guy. a guy old enough to be a teacher. and in a way he was. im still too young for any relationship. im not mature enough to handle one. to me its all abt fun and laughter. hugs and kisses.

its time to let go. let him move on. let him be happy. but memories of him will always stay with me. he gave me one of the best years of my life. it was unforgettable. i liked him. and i guess i will always do. i hope that the next girl he's with will make him happier than i did.

now im sane. hours later i wont be. at least i knw that im rational enough to write this down.

i was woken up today with a phone call from a friend. when i fell back asleep i dreamed of refat. we were sitting on a bench and we were talking. suddenly he revealed to me that he likes a girl. her name is cyndi klein. and im like. damn depressed and stuff. and he was shrugging and stuff. he said sth abt a friend or sth. and he says he's upset cause he wants to get into a relationship but sth's happening. i think she dont want or she's leaving sg or sth.

his face was so real. every feature so detailed. but i woke up feeling calmer and lighter. when i came online. and saw how uncanny my dream and what i saw was. i knew it was time. time to let go.

this is not a farce. its the truth. im not mental. im still sane.

riahh ranted at 1:48:00 PM