Tuesday, April 05, 2005
pains me sometimes. how as i write i keep thinking of more and more things to add in. gathered my thoughts and yes this is the final draft. =P.

i was still happily strolling along when i saw the bus. waited a lifetime for the next one to come. saw ms prema this morning. commented on my hair. -_-". couldnt she have asked abt my well being? where am i now? how's sch and stuff like that. but no. my hair has always been a source of irritant for her. tskkk. i mentioned to her that i was pretty much enjoying sch. and she told me to stop enjoying.

'look what it did to ur o level results.'

oh please. tts the first thing they do. when sth goes wrong there seems to be this uncontrollable need to point fingers. sometimes when things goes wrong it doesnt have a reason. they just happen. and then teachers will blame the bf/gf. or blame ccas. blame the students. blame the parents. blame ur pets. and the parents will blame everybody else. lackadaisical students just sit back and watch the show. one eyebrow arched with amusement. tskkk.

ok yes. lets not digress further.

met becca on the bus. she's just not a bus companion kind of person larr. she's pretty homesick in her own way too. worse off than me if possible. so yes she talked. i listened. occasionally the nods and uh huh and yups. there are ppl out there worse than me. shucks.

almost late for sch. worried like siao. ha. bm teachers would have given up their fake hairs for this moment to come. tskk. too bad.

i am lacking in econs! just cant seem to think. another good reason why i should never go into business or finance. or anything to do with moneyy. oh please. like i really care why govt tax cigarettes? or whats a positive or normative statement? everything seems the same! biangss. and then ask me abt economy problems. its quite sad larr. dun read enough papers. hahaha. =P.

sorry to whatever ur name is frm C2. u were trying to catch my eye and smile and stuff. but im just too sedated to react. i just stoned. LOL.

argh. bought everything too big. i look like a scarecrow wearing a gunny sack and running arnd like a mad chicken. tskkk. pe. talk abt boot camp. wait is there anything worse than a boot camp? shucks. ran five rounds for warm up. stretched every part of the body imaginable. did DIAMOND PUSH UPS. biangssss. den what stomach crunches while doing leg lifts. den scissor jumps. run up that lame hill. bla bla bla. nice workout nontheless.

i lost weight! more than 5 kg. wooo hooo. im now 61. and on the way to losing more weight. im gona be the next ms singapore. now who dares to argue with me on that?! hahaha. yes why lose weight? STRESS. no actually tts bullshit. scientific reports have proven time and time again that u GAIN weight when ur stressed up. i just dun have much appetite these days. might have ensued from the break up. or the food really sucks in sch. either way. its doing me a lot of good =)

'did u use to have a boyfriend? how many exes do u have?'. such questions are better remain unanswered i feel. it popped up again today. and i guess it was a big step that i took. i confided in julie abt it. she was pretty shocked tt we broke up so recent. and she was like 'ohh. no wonder u were homesick.' i just talked. i ended up admitting things which i wanted to ignore. i remembered things which i wanted to forget. i showed her refat's photo. i told her abt him.

surprises are never ending. she's gg thru it too. ok wait. that sounded so like. immaturish. HAHAHA. ok forget it. yes. but she's been at it for like mths. and queen took more than half a year to get over larry. i deserve an award for being strong. =X. human nature at its best. the art of comparison. tskkk.

its a weight off my shoulder. indefinitely. the mere mention or sight of his name doesnt seem to bother me so much anymore. i guess its my pride. how stubborn i was to let ppl see the vulnerable side of me. how egoistic i was. to admit to ppl that things are not exactly sugar pudding sweet up here in my world.

there i go again. sth else i need to learn. learning to admit to facts. admit to life. admit to ppl. admit tt ur wrong sometimes. im taking art. im an elite student! the whole world is bearing down on sci. but u chose to take the creative path. so why do i have to point out to ppl that 'oh i turned down science cause i wanted arts' or 'at least im doing sth i enjoy now?'

why cant i just stand straight and be proud that im taking arts? why care what the society thinks of a no-future path? sheeesh.

ive already opened up to one person abt my singlehood. am i ready to open up to more ppl? if they ask i will tell. nosy parkers and inquisitive idiots are inevitable. how ppl relish every detail of ur misery. lap it up and then add sugar spice and NOTHING NICE and spread it abt. tskk.

refat is yew hao. yew hao is refat. i have to start thinking like that. why should i sms refat more than i sms yew hao? the poor lad. i hardly sms him also. he's just there for me when i need him. fat is a friend too. why must sms him more than necessary? TSKK. abstinence from refat. sms is not free lor. =P.

yes this whole fuhua unity thing. human nature. naturally aroused. i dont wish to butt in. must restrain my fingers not to retort a reply to an incredibly immature tag. i just sit and watch. happens to every band. nothing new. but for it to happen to ppl i knw. *shrugs. no comments larr. but ppl shouldnt diss their conductor or the assistant so openly. not happy? shut up and ignore. still bu shuang? fight at syf lar. may the best band win. tskk.

im getting more and more philosophical. must be gp. HAHAHA. ok lar its not gp. its just a lame excuse for my excessive ranting on this growing up thing. coping with a major thing here. its just sth new.

methamorphosis. how true. im shedding away my old skin. turning into a pretty little butterfly. but im a pretty late bloomer. my little feet are still sticky. so stubborn. still dont want to learn how to fly on my own. still want to wait in my cocoon. wait for ppl to help me. but all my friends are butterflies already. what am i waiting for?

i dont knw.

is the internet a friend or a foe? right now its a foe. cause i dont knw what my eyes are gona set upon when i log in? am i in for a shock? disappointment? good surprises? am i gona see things which i dont want to see? am i gona rejoice at ppl's misfortune? laugh at ppl's accidents? its dangerous. this internet. u knw tt old cliche 'say ppl say urself larrr'. very sg cliche. haha. must learn also to set my heart to stone when i read things. remain impassive. dun jump to conclusions and stuff.

supposed to meet hao today after sch. but he last min cancel. aww shucks =(.

i wished i took this much effort for my schwork as i do for my blog. hahah. tskk. =P.

riahh ranted at 4:45:00 PM