Saturday, April 16, 2005
i didnt perform today. i didnt know whether that was what i wanted. its not a very interesting band. the venue is too far. and im tied down with other commitments. i called mr tay last night and after some negotiations. he agreed to take over my place. when eddie called me today. i apologized and said im sorry i cant perform but i had a replacement ready to play.

is that irresponsibilty? how can u even call me irresponsible when in the first place you didnt even let me knw that i was to perform today? granted i pulled out at the last minute. granted i didnt let anyone knw. but the point is the performance would still be successful. so what if you dont have me? its not as if i packed up and left leaving eddie and noraziah hanging.

and the whole day u bombard me with stupid smses directed at making me feel guilty. oh please mr han. if you were angry that terence scolded you then you shouldnt vent your anger on me. i did nothing wrong. why is everyone angry that they have to lug an extra trombone back? i mean couldnt you have come up with a better excuse than that?

i got a lot of ppl into trouble? hmm i wonder who. *sarcastic.

this is another bad experience that gives me certainty to shun away from outside bands. there is just no connection. no bond. its not the same.

i never regretted my decision to attend alumni today. despite the fact that i was the only one from my batch that turned up. the trombone girl was being so irritating. just like christina. talk so much but nobody bother abt her. my heart lifted when i saw the pieces they handed out. ross roy niaa. challenge! wahh. brings back memories sia. warmed up and played on my own. played too much lar. strained my muscles. problems pitching my high notes after that.

i do not wish to describe my high notes while playing ross roy. not only is it embarrasing. its beyond words. its like. ten times worse than litang's. that tight airy sound. YUCK.

hafiz came today. he's so.. ang moh sia. ok whatever. he's pretty patient. but maybe he hasnt really shown what he's capable of at this point in time. all we did today was run thru all the pieces. he would stop. den go back and play again. stop and go back and play again. not much teachings. no wait. he didnt even teach anything.

i feel like its just sight reading today. everything was so horrible. but at least we played thru. good grief. i was usually the only one left standing most times. hafiz's conducting is like so. amateur? none of the sweeping gestures that refat is so fond off. very.. like that. if hafiz is going to conduct us like that for the rest of our lives. i shudder to think.

conductor = someone who conducts?

instructor = someone who instructs?

id rather have a mix of both. refat was both. he taught and he conducted. mr tay was both. he taught and he conducted. hafiz is only one. he is only a conductor. he's just a human metronome siaa. i hope next week he would teach more.

maybe i was wrong to push my band mates like that. im just paranoid. afraid that the past would repeat itself. that refat would get so upset and decides to wash his hands totally off us. ttd be so scarry sia. how can? no refat no band. how true. its just not the same. its funny how we feel this much attachment to him. when he was with us for only 9 mths? and someone like mr hong who has been with us for years is so easily erased from our minds.

sheeesh.

at least refat explained to me how an alumni band runs. i guess i just still think of it as a secondary school band. expecting perfect attendance and stuff. but its ok really to skip a few pracs. and start becoming more regular when there is a performance and stuff. i do hope tho that i can at least pull a few ppl to come down to band. the regulars hopefully.

and when ive achieved that. i wonder how im gg to convince them to perform for d and d. gulps. one step at a time then. lets just wait and see.

ive turned down ignored invitations for a weekend out at town. ive had enough. im sick of all this male attention. i refuse to pick up any calls. and i refuse to reply any sms. just leave me alone. i hope they go away soon. and idiots who have been passing arnd my numbers. get a life larr.

i think im charming. seriously. do you think so?

riahh ranted at 11:39:00 PM