Thursday, March 31, 2005
im not myself anymore. i dont think i will ever be me again. pangs of homesickness every single day now. wave after wave after wave. everything reminds me of bm. everything reminds me of band. im trying to move forward. look at things in a positive manner. its difficult. dang it. IM TRYING SO HARD. but nobody ever cares.

the only time when i can forget everything and focus is during lessons. *starts to smile. its like. every lesson is sth to look forward to. cause im taking lessons which i have interest in and where im most likely to do well. =). gp. such a challenge. i havent started tutorials yet but im pysched. and im raring to go. lit. haha. what can i say. the teachers here rawkk. literature is a subject which explores many taboo areas in a subtle manner. needless to say the teachers here are more than subtle. =PpP. they speak good clear english. they get the class up and up. and mrs mayer u rawkkkk. so sarcastic. hahaha. someone was saying abt finding fault with sth. and she replied 'to find faults. you must first have brains.' wah hahaha. and we were discussing shakespeare. she asked us to say out whatever we knw abt him. and this idiot trying to be funny. say 'he was born and died on the same day.' to which mrs mayer replied 'born and died on the same day? no no different year.' LOL. mr andrew teaches ppr 2 and he's so super laid back. and he's just plain interesting =P. ms ng teaches ppr 8 and yeahh she's pretty open to taboo issues and stuff. yup lit rawks.

ms nora. LOL. i think fat will be on par with her. cant tell who is lamer. lol. she's so lameee sia. and its so funnny. im so fortunate to have a history teacher who seems to have a fetish for blood. hee she stays near me. =PpP. she can come up with all kind of silly stories. like you knw how F.U.C.K came abt? its not a bad word u knw seriously. long time ago. during elizabethen times i think. if u wanted to start a family. you have to ask permission from the king. once the king okays it. you will get a certificate which u will paste on your door. the cert says F.U.C.K. Fornification Under Consent of King. so then ur free to start a family! =)

and yes a few other lame stuffs. im history rep. yayness! im proud of it =). hahahaha.

econs. shucks. as much as i would love to condemn it. its pretty interesting. actually its damn interesting. hahaha. econs jargon is really so interesting. this is the scenario given to us. ok supposing its a bloody hot day and u just ran your 3.2. u go back to the canteen and drink a cup of ice cold water. the first cup would give u the most satisfaction. the subsequent cups would give u lesser and lesser satisfaction. by the tenth one u'd feel like puking. but like in econs jargon. satisfaction is utility. and maximised sth sth. shucks. =(. forgot liao. awwwwww. *sorry sorry.

malay is int also. lol. easier in a way. like the syllabus just totally different. but u do lesser questions la. in jc its all abt choices. =). its where u start the growing up. where u start to be more independent. making ur own choices. being responsible for ur mistakes and actions. its so hard to adapt here. im a townieee. im not a heartlander. *sobs.

today a brass band came down to my sch. =). two trumpets one horn one bone and one bass. hahaha. the bone guy. has a trombone tone! not a eupho tone. mellow and sad. its happy and bright. sound doesnt break. so refreshing. biangs. the trumpets. triple tonguing everything. but every note clear. short and precise. played a lot of familiar tunes. really they were good. i thought they were playing noah's ark! the beginning IS noah's ark. but after tt it was sth else. some aussie song. and boy were they loud. and the lady playing the trumpet was pregnant lor. and she can hold her breath for so long.

my sch is really gg all out to promote the arts. they play classical music every morning. sometimes band pieces. VERY RARE larr. they'll ask performing art grps to perform. a drama grp. or a brass band like today. a dance troupe. whatever whatever.

i told my home tutor today tt i was in the band. his reply? 'wah u kids nowadays are so cultured.' HAHAHAHAHA.

such luck to run into a st pats flautist in my class. he's so disgusting. so arrogant. big deal is it glosz student? oh please. u still ended up here. talk so much. he was from 29th nco. i asked him how was it. and he said it was a WASTE OF HIS TIME cause 'there are like u knw not a lot of good players and they're just wasting my time.' oh pleaseeee. he's in swsy too. no wonder he looks familiar. i said i quit cause it sucked. and he said 'we gave the newcomers the impression that they are really useless and totally a waste of time and guess what? at least they are improving larr.'

st pats's in the east. he's staying in the NORTH. *rolls eyes. so sickening.

i didnt feel like gg back early today. asked st pats where he was gg. seems my og's heading to town! yayness! at least sth to look forward to. this crowd just isnt right larr. i just dont feel comfortable with them. just. no connection. even the band ppl. only the west side are more relate-able. can u imagine? town. where i grew up. where i have spent endless hours talking rubbish. walking up and down doing nth. shared laughters with friends. with honeyy also. but today was just an empty void inside of me. i left early. a few mins with them and im dead bored. walked down the streets of town to heeren bus stop. many times i have walked down this street. but never once has it reduced me to tears. ok lar not really cry larr. just bit my lip to stop myself from crying. PUBLIC LEHHH.

and the thoughts start to come.

so now im home. and im damn depressed. but after talking to wency. im feeling almost normal. i hate school. i really do. everyone is coping with it alone too. im no different. but why cant i cope with it normally? why must find people to talk to? just starting sch. and sth happens. hard enough coping with that. now sch. shucks.

im feeling weary abt sat. will it change too? please dont. music is sth which is keeping me sane at the moment.

im so tired. im weary. i duno what to think anymore. =(. shucks.

riahh ranted at 6:00:00 PM