Saturday, December 04, 2004
a whole week of band.. went down to shuqun for a sax workshop today and swsyouth tmr.. and im not complaining.. a whole lot of things to think about and wonder instead.. lets nt be a hypocrite here and just copy paste and edit what i read frm wency's and queena's blog.. im seeing it from a diff perspective..

i can honestly i say i enjoyed myself during festival.. i learnt sth and im played thru alvamar and ross roy.. one thing im disappointed abt is my sight reading and my shameful behaviour during the course of three days.. i have come later to regret after he talked to me.. im not frm a gold band.. i may be one of the better players in the band but tt doesnt make me the best among other members frm other bands.. i have no right to diss other tbonist frm other band.. and if stanley happens to see this.. im gona say im sorry.. i blabbed abt him not only to natalie but to my band members as well.. whats worse is the added spice and everything nice.. tts not the behavior of a band member.. tts the behavior of an ah soh at the market..

i should have thought that when i improved.. doesnt necessarily mean tt my members would improve as well.. i learnt how to play out loud and im happy abt tt.. playing in the sch hall helps.. but there are still ppl who are still 'new' to the band after a longgg break.. stuff gets pushed to the corner of their brains but its not being pushed back to the right place fast enough..

the band is a bunch of quote 'mountain tortoise' unquote.. the better players think that they are still the best.. over confidence leads to nowhere but huge let downs and disappointment.. the weakers ones? think that they are really bad.. so they dun play.. the behaviour of the junior band is really disappointing to me.. they seem to shrink back into their cocoons once the seniors comes back.. they played so beautifully during the junior band prac.. but they seem to rely so much on the seniors now.. hiding behind them.. too scared to play.. too scared to do anything but just sit there and quote 'waste my chairs' unquote..

we complain a lot.. but never lift a hand to help.. too true.. im one of the guilty ones who dilly and dally while waiting for others to go and help.. i just stood there pretending to be busy to avoid stacking up the chairs.. we never had a right.. not even once to criticise others.. and we got back what we threw at them on performance day.. celeb for winds and perc was a disaster..

refat blew his top on friday.. blew his top like ive never seen him blow his top before.. simply packed his bag and left.. fast and quiet.. stunned into silence.. didnt knw what to do.. for once.. he put me at a loss.. a LOSS.. a total LOSS.. i didnt mean to shout at u im so sorry.. i was just so pissed.. kenny thinks everything is a big joke.. and i swear to god.. i will never ever ever forget my hp ever again.. i really didnt knw what to do.. he just sat there and.. complained.. he never complains.. and he did that..

disappointment.. and anger.. tt was what he felt.. he never knew it was coming.. tone he worked so hard to build up gone in just a few weeks.. expectations came crashing down.. so many songs he cancelled.. songs that we could play decently before we left for exams.. but what he was really upset about was the attitude of the band.. how quote 'shy' unquote we were.. how just saying snakes was too hard.. he wanted to play tt song so much.. sometimes we're not being fair to him..

everyone felt it.. that uneasiness.. that sunken feeling at the pit of the stomach.. that restlessness.. that gnawing GUILT.. that constant worry.. that nagging fear.. that irksome RUSH RUSH RUSH.. these mixed emotions appeared as soon as he left the band room.. i was upset.. i shouldnt be.. but i am.. im afraid.. its gona be a bad month for him.. and he told me to find others to do stuff with.. i miss him..

i miss him.. i miss him.. and i MISS HIM.. he's worried abt the band and im worried abt us.. where is the logic? *scratch scratch*.. no logic but its understood.. i duno if i did the right thing but i took things into my own hand and msged all the SLs.. i want things to be back to normal on thurs.. they wont like it i knw.. im nt stupid..

but please guys just for once.. put aside all the differences.. all the misunderstandings.. come together for this final lap.. gota work hard together.. save all the time from criticising or gossiping abt other members to work out one bar.. stop all together to work out one line.. and another and another.. and there goes one song.. yay! *clap clap*..

if someone cant count.. HELP them.. dun say.. 'aiyo so useless.. crotchet quaver so simple also cannot count.. whats wrong with her/him? waste our time only'.. four pracs left guys.. we cant afford to waste anymore time.. now is not the time to save face.. need help ASK.. dun wan guest players? work hard.. must chiong!! dun wan to replace ross roy with majestia? u should knw what to do..

must learn to control temper and practise patience.. my section is thankfully not as bad as last time.. just gota work on tone.. and tracy.. im abt to give up soon.. play or dun play.. i have enough for first second and third parts.. yupp.. gota be patient.. stop losing temper!!

babe babe i miss you.. i really duno what to do.. im afraid to talk to you.. afraid to msg you.. afraid to ask to meet you.. afraid to say one wrong thing.. i love love you ok babe? no matter what babes.. wo ai ni yi sheng yi shi.. mUah..


riahh ranted at 9:57:00 PM