Tuesday, October 26, 2004
7.33 am and im still wide awake.. a pounding headache and a nice morning breeze.. ahhh.. ok at least i cooled down.. ok lets do some analysing now tt everyone's sleeping.. probably snoring their heads off.. peace at last.. ok.. what went wrong?

truth is everything.. no.. actually its all very straightforward.. very simple and easy.. no actually.. i duno.. ok girl.. chill.. lets take it a step at a time and see what u can do abt it..

it all started nicely enough.. was upset.. piggy found out and we talked things out.. he called me and everything's cool.. made me believed that everything was ok.. nth's gona happen.. he doesnt want a breakup.. 'im not leaving u.. u can leave if u want too'.. 'i never doubt ur love for me'.. and phone call was all 'aww love love babes.. ha hag!'.. ironed out some stuffs.. abt philieee mostly.. ok first up.. here was where it went wrong.. the root of all problems.. bla bla and bla..

piggy's worried AND mad abt him trying to make a pass at me.. so philieee's the bad guy here.. philieee flirts with me.. he cant make up his mind if he wants me or miee.. philieee may try to hold my hand if i were to study with him ALONE.. as in just the two of us.. adding fuel to fire.. i felt gleeful.. unabashedly and practically gushed at him.. 'aww sweetheart.. no.. philieee isnt like that.. i knw he isnt..' why shouldnt i be? he's practically screaming at me tt he's jealous.. wouldnt any girl want that? ok.. somewhere in the midst of all tis gushing.. i said tt i was flirting too.. or was that when we were ol?.. nvm tt.. point being.. i said that i still flirted..

ok slowly nw.. who's right? who's wrong? piggy may be right that philieee may do all tis.. i could be wrong.. for goodness sake.. i only knew the guy for 3 days.. and suddenly im so sure tt he wouldnt try to make a pass.. am i hoping that he would? are u outta ur mind? no im not.. just shut up brain.. im analysing.. was i wrong? yes i was wrong.. i should have kept my mouth shut and kept on smelling my pillow.. but sighh.. it gota come out some day.. so why not now.. ok so we got that clear.. i was wrong to defend philieee so readily and i was definitely wrong to play with fire.. risking all to gush shamelessly at him.. -sniggers-.. shut up brain..

next.. that aside.. phone call progressed pretty much ok.. more of those mushy stuff.. piggy says that i shld listen more since he knws more.. no arguments there.. 'i have to agree with Dick and bla bla bla'.. familiar? hah.. and den i had to say that philieee was waiting to call.. what was that for? practically laying it out for baby to see that im happily flirting with philieee and that i dun really care if anyone realizes that.. bleah.. what was i thinking?!

ok so.. so far.. we 'ironed' things out during the phone call.. a bit of miffing abt philieee but all's cool.. lets talk abt after the phone call..

8.01 am.. and i think that ive got it figured out after what i wrote so far.. pounding headache aside.. he sent me a msg at 5.21 am..

"whatever i tell you to do is for your own good. i mind that you swear and flirt but i dun think abt it. but one day i might just explode. if you think im nice to you then dun do things that you wouldn want me to do with you. love is not about sweet words its about changing bad habits."

utterly shocked.. umm hello? did i miss sth here? so why the sudden msg? on a scale of one to ten.. my temper was definitely rising.. what really got me miffed? 'but one day i might just explode'.. what was THAT all about? not abt sweet words ehh.. hmm.. he sent me another one at 5.27 am..

"nothing. just thought of it. so at least you know and understand my point since you said you dunno what im thinking. so i managed to put in words now."

eh? dunno what ur thinking mister? too right.. but kinda harsh dun u think? knwing my temper full well and u were risking it.. couldnt it wait till tmr?.. another msg at 5.34 am..

"i dunno what is flirting what is not. doesnt matter to me. i only talk to ppl i need to talk with. im happy with us. so i cant tell you what is flirting. if you feel nothing wrong then ok lo. if you feel you are flirting or letting someone flirt with you. then must stop thats all. but i wouldn know anyway."

hmmmf.. you wouldnt knw anyway? yeah so ur kinda saying huh that im not telling u all of it.. that im breaking our honesty pact eh? you wouldnt knw.. you wouldnt knw.. whats with u?! at least u being happy with us lessened the impact of the msg.. unfortunately its somewhere in the middle.. next msg sent at 5.45 am..

"i just want to tell you simply. i dun think your friends, some of them are good influence so maybe you cant stop swearing and flirting. just dun let me find out ok? i wont leave no matter what you do. and no matter how upset i get."

pfffftttt.. i dun really care abt the friends thing? cause they're my pals.. its my fault that i choose to follow them.. its not like they told me outright to flirt and swear.. they're just them.. the last 3 sentences.. contradicting dun u think? "i wouldnt knw anyway".. ha! and den u tell me not to let u find out and get u all upset.. what do u want anyway?.. ur practically telling me 'its ok babes.. go ahead and flirt.. just dun let me find out ok?'.. what?.. what do u want?.. sighh.. another msg at 5.54 am..

"today i know u didnt swear cos you never meet you friends. i was just thinking just now and it came to me. how can any guy accept his gf flirting with others? thats crazy. but each guy thinks flirting is something different. so im telling you now. if you think you flirt then dun do it anymore. thats all. not asking much."

contradicting AGAIN.. telling me now that its wrong to flirt.. that i should stop if im doing it.. tone was harsh and direct.. temper was definitely rising.. say arnd 5?.. but i had to realistic.. he's right.. if im doing it.. i should stop.. no questions asked.. but would have preferred if he had said it in a nicer tone.. he msged again at 5.58 am..

"knew what? i didnt know until you told me just now ol wat. it just sunk in."

hmmmrffff.. at tis pt.. i told him tt i will never get over the fact that he knew i was flirting but just simply didnt say anything.. nth much to say here.. just good ol' riah who cant keep her mouth shut.. 6.10 am..

"no its the first time you said you still flirt and swear. but i wont bring this up again. never in my life. i dun want to think. sometimes the more you ask why the more lost you get. so from this point its back to my care free me. if you make me think and make me react. i can blow up. and if i see the ppl who are makin it tough for you to be a good person. God bless them. i have worked very hard over many years to keep my emotions and temper in check."

continued at 6.12 am..

"and i have worked very hard to learn to ignore ppl who swear drink smoke and pretend to be something they are not. they will burn in hell i dun care. i just want peace."

what totally makes me mad.. really REALLY mad.. "if u make me think and make me react. i can blow up".. huh?! so its my fault? huh so dun read.. im afraid it'll set u thinking and make u react cause some of the things ive said may not agree with what u have in mind.. temper's definitely a 10.. well sorry.. tis is what i think.. yes honey u ignore the scum of society.. unfortunately not everyone thinks like u.. i dun even knw what to think.. what im supposed to feel.. im supposed to be clear headed.. and now i am..

tis whole thing is about me flirting.. so firstly.. lets define flirting.. to me flirting is acting cute.. praising the guy more than usual.. being giggly.. being nice.. being posh.. being funny.. 'brushing aside' compliments while u jump for joy inside.. hmmm am i like that? let see.. im always acting cute so cant say much about that.. NO i do not praise the guy more than usual.. im ALWAYS giggly.. im ALWAYS nice.. posh? hmm.. funny?.. hmm.. 'brushing aside' compliments while i jump for joy inside?.. used to be like that.. philieee adamantly calls me cute.. yes i do brush aside the compliment but NO i do not jump for joy inside.. so. am. i. flirting?.. yes.. unfortunately.. but its not as if im in so deep i cant turn back.. im just friendly.. im just nice.. is it my fault if i happen to make ppl feel comfortable with me?

so now its my turn to flare up.. what do u want me to do den huh? shun guys for the rest of my life? yeahh i can do that.. no probs.. i can be pretty icy if i want to.. u've been there so many times.. u knw that.. point is.. im just so mad that ur practically threatening me that u can blow up many times before.. it makes me sick each time any of my boyfriend says that.. u included.. so EVERYTHING's my fault.. gota walk on tiptoes.. speak in hushed whispers lest u find out and BLOW UP.. hmmmmmmmmmmmf!!!

but respect.. respect.. [think shark tales].. i understand ur predicament.. and i knw what i should do.. i was wrong i knw that.. and i will stop.. but it would have been easier if U were nicer abt it.. hmmmff.. after all i am but a baby broccoli.. ='(..

8.56 am.. should i get my sleep now? i should.. should i go out and study with philieee? hmm.. i dun even knw if i can wake up.. we shall see.. dun think im gona get much in anyway.. but at least i did study.. hey all tis analysing is very useful for source based qsns for ss.. sighh.. wide awake now but headache's not going.. gota try get some rest.. bye all..

morning.. =))


riahh ranted at 7:33:00 AM